if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
