I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
