So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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