there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
