We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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