just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
