Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
