cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
