youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
