I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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