This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
