I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
