i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
