I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
