i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
