You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize