Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
