If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
