I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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