Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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