you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
