My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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