We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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