the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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