so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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