Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
