you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
