So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize