Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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