We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
