Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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