I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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