the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the day after is always just damage control
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
