Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
