my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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