I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
