I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
