all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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