Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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