Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
