piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
