Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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