did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
