Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize