last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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