he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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