I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
