I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
