btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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