so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
