I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
