I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
