i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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