I faked an abortion last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
