my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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