I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
That accounts for only three of the penises
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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