you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
