What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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