highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
