I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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