that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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