so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
