I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
