Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
me + whiskey = a bad person
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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