The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize