Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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