it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She even gives head with a lisp.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize