I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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