Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
