He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize