I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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