textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
